Some of us have been through it and maybe some of us haven't. It’s never an easy time for anyone I don't think, or I'm just yet to find that couple that has actually breezed through it. What advice would you give to someone, based on your experience, who is about to go through a separation/divorce with small children. Their inner strength will always get them through but seriously what sort of advice would you give to help make this transition easier for them?
One piece of advice I would give would be to prepare even before it happens. Prepare financially, legally, emotionally, mentally and physically. (In all honesty something I never did – but certainly learnt my lesson for not doing so) Remember this is imperative to both men and women.
Preparation is the key and it’s a really great thing to do even if a separation/divorce never transpires. Find out everything you need to in order to know what is available to you and how to get it or information related to it. By delving into your current situation you are able to really come to terms with who YOU are, and also who YOU would like to be in all sorts of ways. You may through this process find out some things about yourself that you had forgotten or even something new about yourself you never knew existed. It's a very good way to gain self- esteem and inspiration to get you where you need to be. Being prepared gives you the feeling that you do have control every step of the way.
I remember when I divorced many years ago I was seriously shocked to find out that I didn’t even know what music I liked anymore and I certainly didn’t know what shows I like to watch or movies I’d even be interested in. I realised at this time just how much I had put myself on the backburner, so to speak. Today I know all of these things and soooooo much more about myself than ever before in my life. It has certainly been a great journey of self awareness. The good, the bad, the ugly and the absolutely, positively undoubtedly FANTASTIC.
By my own admission, in my ignorance and for many, many years I strongly believed that there was a very fine line between misery and loneliness and that you just have to take steps to decide which of those you would like to encounter as they weren’t emotionally very far apart. Now with a lot of experience and alot of inner reflection I have, more recently, realised the line is actually even finer between misery and happiness. Challenges we face, the hills we have to climb and the pathways we choose in our life always guide us to learn new lessons (Which sometimes can take awhile before we actually get it!) and always guide us towards happiness of some sort shape or form in the long run. As the saying goes “Out of Evil good will come”.
I really think it is important that you comment here to help others and hopefully discuss your own experience, mistakes and fortunes to enhance someone else’s experience. We are always there for each after all.
I have noticed differences in many married couples that I graciously and proudly call my friends. Some of them live together as a form of habit really. Not really in love anymore but let’s just say comfortable with the norm. Yet others who have been married for many years still emit that spark. One thing I have noticed about these couples is that throughout their marriage they have always retained time for themselves. These couples made the effort to always put some time aside for themselves, without the children, be it a night out for dinner, a weekend away or just a romantic night at home. I think this is the secret. I know if you spoke to these people they would openly say it’s hasn’t been easy but as a bystander looking in I find that that seems to be the secret to a successful marriage, the time of togetherness.
Another secret I feel is also ironically time apart. I think to have time to miss your partner rekindles your appreciation for them. It also allows you to retain your independence and do the things you like that inspire you and you alone. It is very invigorating to step away from being the mother, the wife or the carer and to be kind to yourself at the same time, albeit if only for a short time. Sometimes is always better than never.
Your comments would be extremely appreciated. Love and care always Girl E Business.xxx :)
I totally agree with all you say. After 20yrs of marraige, I've now been separated 6 months in the hope that my husband would "see the light" and get some help to change the way he was treating me and the kids.
ReplyDeleteWhen I told him that me and the kids needed a break from him, he said he didn't want to separate. I waited a week, but he wouldn't leave, so I packed up me and the 3 kids and moved back out into the country, where I had some support from my elderly folk.
For someone who didn't want to separate and said that he wanted to reconcile the marraige, I have not as yet seen anything that he has done to try and cooerce me back!
I'm sad to say, that this past 6 months seems to have only allowed him to pursue his other love (of cars) even more so, but without the hassle of the ball and chain, as to speak. He can spend more time with his mates and relaxing in front of the tv. Yep.. nothing has changed for him much at all... just a bigger beer gut.
He does have one or two of the 3 kids for most weekends, but they are pretty good at keeping themselves amused while he continues to work on cars. This weekend he has taken 2 of the kids on a car rally. The kids don't mind these, but why is it that if kids want to spend time with him, than they have to do it always on HIS terms?
If he apparently wants this marraige to be reconciled, he certainly doesn't show it. So far, it's only words, and no action! He admitted a month after I moved out that he was wrong, selfish, stupid and lazy. But still has showed an inkling of doing anything about it!
I'm at a point of losing any little tiny spark of hope now, and it's all making me feel very depressed. Deep down, I don't won't to go through a divorce, but I definitely don't want to go back to the way things were either!
From what I've heard and read, there is nothing 'nice' about the process, not to mention the never ending 'attachment' you still have even after the kids are gone. You have to look at it from the future Grandma perpective too. The chlldren will always feel torn and grandchildren's time with you will be split amongst pontentially 3 other grandparents. Quite frankly, I don't want this mess for my life.
So tell me, what do I do now? How do approach this man who seems to just NOT GET IT?? Surely to goodness he can't be that thick or that selfish?
Also, tell me, why does he not seem to have a conscious that I'm renting a home and living miles away from the kids school and my work, while he is sitting in the comfort of our 6 bedroom home on his own!? To me, any decent person would say, You stay and I'll go, that only makes sense.
Also to make ends meet, I'm needing to work 5 days a week and find very little time to do any reaearch about divorce to prepare myself. The thought just gives me one big anxiety attack to tell you the truth. I never ever wanted this for my family and wonder why it went all so wrong.
It's been a very slow process of trying to rediscover who I am and get some self esteem back. I've been going to counselling regularly for over 2 years now and I'm still learning things and discovering things about myself.
I think the only thing that has kept me going is knowing that God loves me. Afterall, He created me, as me... and I personally believe that God doesn't make mistakes. I believe He is a God of joy, peace, love and hope, and has a plan for me, which will be revealed and I will look back and be thankful for His comfort and guidance and say "God carried me through those dark times".
So in the meantime, I'm going to keep on praying with the faith that one day, somehow, it'll be all good again.
Dear Anonymous, I have sent you a message on Facebook. You have the strength and courage to do this. We are all supporting you every step of the way. Remember not all men are like this. Keep the faith! xxxxxxx
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